kdg2 rasa nak putus asa dgn hidup...
bukanla nak kata kufur nikmat kan tp kecewa dgn diri sendiri bila hidup selama 25 tahun ni, aku xpernah capai apa yg aku nak
sesal pon dah xbaper nak berguna sgt la kan.
alhamdulillah...i have a job.kejer yg kebanyakan masanyer buat aku ttekan giler2 tp kdg2 cikgu2 sek tu la yg buat aku sedar tujuan hidup ni.tp...layak ker aku?y am i asking dis q?sbb i never do anything right.ader je salah..walopon kecik tp kalo dhimpun, menyesal seumur hidup.cthnyer...kejadian smlm, RALAT giler!!!hari ni...lg satu kejadian.selalunyer kejadian2 ni akan buat aku sedar yg aku ni gagal sbg individu.sentiasa nak kena ader oang yg buat checklist tuk aku.

Ya Allah, aku tau ini suma adalah cara kau tunjuk kasih sayang Mu.dan aku tau Engkau menguji aku krn aku mampu tp semakin lama aku mula terasa bodoh, aku mula terasa malang.maafkan aku Ya Allah..

Hari ni aku rasa xnak kawin.
sbb aku sedar aku masih xmampu buat keputusan sendiri.
walopon punca kebengagan aku terhadap diri sendiri hari ini kecil berbanding smlm, tp ia ttp membri kesan n impact yg mampu membunuh.
maaf mak...bkn sesajer jer nak buat keputusan sendiri tp tempah baju jer pon.i tot it was going to be ok.xtau plak bila dpt tuh nak jd sempit segala kan.mak nampak kecewa...mungkin sbb mak tau anak dier xkan jd mcm pengantin lain on their big day.

n aku betul2 rasa xnak kawin.

subhanallah

i woke up at 4 dis morning and read dis msg...thanx to ceno.she forwaded to me yesterday n xsangka i really need it today.

Dari Imam Al-Ghazali:
ketika aku mohon kekuatan, Allah beri aku kesulitan sehingga aku kuat,
ketika aku tidak pernah menerima apa yg aku pinta, Allah memberi apa yg aku perlukan...

(sebenaryer...msg ni panjang lagi...tp dua baris ayat ni cukup bermakna hari ni)

yer...sgt dalam maksudnyer.Allah punya jawapan tuk setiap apa yg berlaku dlm hidup kita.setiap buruk ader baiknya.dan apa sahaja yg dtg dr Allah hanyalah demi kebaikan kita.DIA MAHA TAHU.hari ini, aku belajar utk menerima segala ketentuan nyer.bukan la maksudnya selama ni xpernah terima, tp aku ngaku kekadang kita mudah menyalahkan oang lain atas kecuaian sendiri.hari ni...satu lg bukti, aku ni absent minded.jiwa kosong!!!!

today had been a terribly bad day.im having emotional break down (xsudah-sudah kan) n thanx to ceno n zai im able to laugh walopon diiringi tangisan.amazingly, baba langsung xmara sy n we didn't even fight over d matter.

betul...sayer guru siswazah.sejajar dgn jolokan itu....sayer sentiasa cuba sedaya upaya menurut perintah dari pihak atasan.u are open to judge me any way u want but i determine to change and im taking it one step at a time or maybe i need a bigger step dis time.im not egois...but i am a grown up , a lady indeed.i have dignity.pls...dont treat me like im kindergarten.like an uneducated junk.

its raining cats n dogs the whole of my day.
i love rain
it calms me
alhamdulillah...i know Allah loves me
i've been n still crying now n Allah permit the rain to be with me n calm me.
Allah xkan menguji n menduga lebih dari kemampuan kita.
makanya...sy bersyukur atas kejadian hari ini.
sayer patut belajar n bukan menagisi walopon ader la sedikit ralat kan.

im going to be busy again tomorrow...menyiapkan segala keje tertngguh.lucky me, esok budak start peksa n i hope they'll do well for their first time dis year.

lesson plan

waktu cuti yg xmenentu dah buat sayer lost trach with my lesson at school..

wah!terrible sbb dah lupa mana nak start wat lesson plan.

belom study tok temuduga la...emmm, im getting too comfortable ngan cuti nih.dasat kan?

my first time (i hate being sick)

pertama kali.....dimasukkan ke wad.sebenarnya xsakit...
tp the infection had caused mt feet to swollen sampai keras, reddish n hot.sbb tu asik kena demam panas.

smlm sahaja, darah diambil 3 kali untuk ujian darah.selepas lima kali ujian...confirmed sayer xder diabetis.alhamdulillah.so, what caused the infection?i have no idea.sayer xtpijak duri....xtepijak kaca.cuma ulat air yg bersarang at my left foot and now causing infection not only on my bare skin but also darah sayer.yer...darah sayer telah tercemar.

bila d'beritakan yg sayer terpaksa dmasukkan ke wad...im worried about all m job.kejer tertangguh.kesannya, puan gpk telah menelepon aku sepetang td berbincang ttg penyata kewangan koko yg sepatutnya aku hantar kepadanya hari ini.i've also missed my english panel meeting today.n i also will miss watching the netball tournament in jementah.

kelaur dr wad...dberi mc 7 hari sehingga 24 minggu depan.a loong break.alhamdulillah...i really need it since doc said berjalan n berdiri lama juga punca bengkak tu menjadi2.still...cuti pon xmcm cuti.kena siapkan soklan pk....next week kena siapkan budak cheerleading.sayer dah dpt lagu n gerak tarinye.kak binah will demonstrate dat.not me..hehe.n d most importante is my interview!it is on 25..hehe.rasa cam coti sebulan plak.bleh kira baper kali aku g sek bulan nih.

sian encik tunang...asik msg je kater malangnyer dier xder transport nak dtg n see how im doing.hmm...saper suh tinggal kete kat penang?mak n baba sgt riso tgk sayer masih bergerak ke sana sini.
baba kata "oang bagi rehat tu..rehat la" huhu
malangnya sayer xbleh...tons of workload.sayer suka bekerja...sayer suka membusykan diri.

interview

i've been called for interview...
nak baca apa ekh?aku dah lama xmembaca benda2 fakta ni.
excited gak sbb aku ni kan suka bercakap..hahaha

kena interview kat muar plak tuh...hehe.suka...suka..suka

alhamdulillah

i am on mc today due to the infection and swollen feet.
alhamdulillah...the blood test went well, everything is normal.i don have diabetis and my calorie level is also ok.
again, alhamdullillah...walopon gemuk la kan.

so, i decided to finish all the unfinish bussiness.after the blood test (uh!i fell in front of the clinic sbb sebelah kaki termasuk dlm lubang kecil.it hurts and rasa diri tersangat lah malang), i went to the bank to pay the car instalment.about the car - many people has been asking me why did i bought se, why not just take the regular myV.why not?as if u r going to pay for it!xperla kan...
anyway..back to my unfinish bussiness.after the bank, i went to SAJ to pick up my rings (i sent it for repair).masa dekat SAJ tu, everyone was
"EH, ni anak kak esah yg dekat opis lam akita tu eh?"rasa cam popular giler.
The SAJ staff moved from the old office when i was in standard six.sbb 2 they all cam.wah!dah besar.kalo jumpa kat luar mesti xkenal.dah kejer?dok mana?dah kawin?n so on...hehe.sbnanyer mak yg glamer.ku tumpang glamer jer.

balik umah, wat lesson plans for today n tomorroe.since i have tuisyen class till ten, i need to finish half of it by day.my SBT class will start tomorrow.need to plan what to teach n decided to preapre the same things dat i prepare for my year 4 n 5 pupils at home.

ptg, pg bola jaring.

n i just finished my tuisyen class.
now settling some work for my Ko-Kurikulum schedule n sorts.
there goes my mc.i can hardly walk...but still AS BUSY AS A BEE.kalo x, camner nak bayo duit keta?camner nak bg mak ayah makan?camner nak baya duit tenet?api air segala?huh?
so...alhamdulillah. i still have a job.

infection

ceno ngan zye dah biasa when i said i got infection...
yes,i got d infection again
went to d clinic last since its getting worst.my foot has swollen and reddish. my body temperature increased and too turn reddish.
dr aznil yg cute dan baik hati gave me an injection n he called me adik.sweet huh..usually a doc will call u cik or awak or any formal nick, but he called me adik.

d worst part is takut diabetis.no...horror!

Victory!!!

yay!sk kampong tengah won all four games altough kak binah keep saying dats not good enuff.
tp they had only two weeks practice and the scores were 14-19.its not bad rite?
i still think they played well...u go girls!our school will hold all the practice for MSSK daerah since we won d game n we have the most player to represent zon utara.best kan?sbb nanti MSSK daerah will be in Paya Jakas.my former primary school...ah,i so miss paya jakas.

balik dr game at about 1...i threw everything and sleep.im hunger for a good sleep.n now my body is aching and my head is spinning.rasa cam nak demam sgt.n my feet got the infection again.maybe i let it bernanah first.im not fit to drive to the pharmacy.huhu...

mak n baba keep calling my other siblings asking if they are coming home for this three days holiday and sadly they are not.poor them...bored to death.tp rasanya sayer lebih bosan dr mereka krn baba asik tgk berita pasal politik d perak.horror kan?

tot of washing orange todat..but maybe next week.huhu

newborn

alhamdulillah...ayu has safely delivered a baby girl yerterday but the baby had to be submitted due to apa ntah.

planning to visit her soon

tournament

tomorrow my girls will be in war...
they can play la kan walopon baru menceburi bidang bola jaring ni selama 2 minggu.
i really miss playing netball.i used to be a good GS in school.unfortunately due to my heavy weight n some probs with my knee...i am forced to leave netball behind.sad...

tp i can still cheer for the girls cumanya im going there as pengurus pasukan.so far during practice...i used my voice all out to make sure they did d right thing.they love to jump but they donno how to land.they scream n shout for ball but easily lose it to another team.chaiyok girl!

lately im struggling and fighting with myself.
part of me just wanna sleep and forget about everything tp amanah has made me stronger.i have kids at school waiting for me everyday.poor amirul haqeem...sorry eh,teacher never hates you but for now i just couldn't bare looking at you.it makes mad.completely mad as in angray that cud get me crazy.
im trying hard to work on my discipline but so far, i've fail.hope it is still not to late for me.
i believe i can do it tp with all the stress n kesibukan, i keep looking for food as my aspirin.ALLAH...HELP ME!im in massive pain.it hurts so much dat i feel like stabing myself with a pen.

p/s ;nampak azri ezrai ptg td. tersenyum jer dia.hilang duka lara...haih

apa yang menarik dalam hidup sayer skang cma budak dagu.

yesterday, d school had a solat hajat to ask helps n mercy from Allah for d case.n referring to my post before, cikgu2 dlarang bercerita dgn sesaper shj jd yg terlibat tuk solat hajat smlm was only d teachers.i was exhausted yesterday sbb i had to stay at school until 4 sbb settle kan bahan2 bukti untuk kes tersebut (aku xkisah sgt sbb dis is for my own sake jugak kan)legal advisor of d kementerian called d school and ask for all bukti n laporan.kemudian, ke sesi latihan bola jaring dr jam 4 hingga 6 ptg sbb aku SU koko...jd penat x penat kena pegi.
ah...dah ckp penat dengan itu, aku bersiap utk ke solat hajat.aku hanya sempat tatap wajah ibu ayah selama 15 minit sahaja.sbb 15 minit lg kat umah tu aku spent kat bilik air.suma gara2 budak dagu

gb cried pas solat hajat.n aku...rasa sgt berslah sbb rasa mcm aku yang dah bwk masalah pada sek tersebut.frankly, dengan kekuciran yang berlaku d sekolah...dengan gb yg sedikit pentingkan dr, aku dah xkisah pasal kena berhijrah ni.tolong la percepatkan proses pengesahan jawatan sy!

ok back to gb menangis.yes...aku ader sedikit rasa bersalh sbb troubles is my middle name.ke mana sahaja aku pergi, apa sahaja yg aku buat will mostly end up in chaos.rasa mcm aku membawa malang dlm idup oang sekeliling aku.n dis feeling has taken over me sampai aku penat mental.....sgt penat mental!tp aku juga rasa maybe ujian ini untuk kami berdua.jd bukan aku sorang jer rasa beban skang ni.when will dis b over?no idea...just keep working n do my best..

DILARANG BERCERITA!

we had a very short meeting with the GB at the canteen yesterday..it was the firt time i saw her in a garang way (i lost my word - sorry) . we have been told earlier it would be becoz of budak dagu kes.ok...i donno about others but it really affected my emotion everytime they mention the budak dagu case.

gb said it has spread to the kementerian...and d short meeting was only to remind us that we r not allowed to talk about it to anyone.not even our close family or frens.FYI, even d amah n tukang kebun was called for that very very short meeting.i noe i am noe, technically telling u about d story tp gb cuma melarang kami hanya kerana takut ader percanggahan pendapat.yes..i agreed.apa sahaja cara yang dapat menyelamatkan sekolah kami,aku sokong since nama aku la yang paling sinonim ngan kes budak dagu ni tp aku sgt paham apa niat gb ni.die telah mereka satu cerita yang akan terus menyusahkan aku n terus kata cerita dier adalah sgt benar.shot!u putting ME in jeopardy ok.n dier sendiri mempertikaikan keberadaan aku d waktu ketika itu.mungkin i shud not be asking dis tp tlg la back up aku skit.pulak tuh...aku jer la yang dkaitkan.kan ke berlaku masa pertukaran waktu.KENAPA CIKGU SELEPAS TU XKENA SBB BUDAK TU JATUH TEPAT 850?!

satu lg aku emo ngan GPK 1...boleh la dier tanya aku, naper aku pegang post penting kalo tau masa aku paling byk kat sekolah tu?hello!bila la plak aku sukarela nak jadik SU ko-ku ngan panitia tuh?!sengal tul la...suma nak berlagak gila kuasa dowh...pegila buat aduan sekolah kekurangan guru.lagi nak salahkan aku.

short story

i need to submit a short story entitled thank you teacher

the prob is: (i am always in trouble...huhu)
i don really know how to write a short story.thank you

last weekend was a blast..seswai ker penggunaan blast itu?mungkin tidak tp cam best jer nak guna kan.hehe...
aman was here for his pre-wedding course.dier sgt murung kerana terpaksa meggunting rambut earlier than he plan.walopon he stayed for 3 days 2 nite, dier sbnanyer mcm xder sbb pg2 dah pg kursus kahwin...ptg plak blk.we went to pasar mlm n he bought a model.so...mlm 2, busy memasang model gundam.tidak melayan saya.frust...time is short ok.sgt cepat masa berlalu.sedar2 sah hari ahad...dah kena anta dier balik

on our way..there was an accident kat jalan ledang yg bersimpang siur.jln tu sgt kecik jd nampak dengan sgt jelas mangsa kemalangan yg dtutup dengan kertas.u noe what dat means ok...blood was all over the road.masa nak balik semula ke segamat dah around 8 la kan.i was so...bdebar2 nak lalu jln tuh.n lebih bdebar2 bila i was d only car passing through n lampu neon dr kereta menyuluh darah sepanjang 2 meter.horror!aku asik terbayang citer kekasihku seru...paranoid kan?

ini maklumat tambahan...masa aman pg kursus, dier xpakai baju melayu.n asik dtegur penceramah.salah ke pakai tshirt?kalo pakai tshirt...ilmu xmasuk ke?masa aku amik kursus kat uia tuh, suma pon pakai tshirt.xde masalah pon!